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Society, would you give me permission to be who I am without categorizing what you see ? Must I live up to some image that you created for me to conform to ?
Can you accept the fact that I'm a combination of many different types of dysfunction bound together within one house ?
All that I express, speak, and understand is relative to my childhood. You will never understand the man I am on the outside until you have touched the child within me.
Wife beware. Children beware. Pastor beware. Boss beware. If you never develop empath for the little boy in me who is holding a blanket and sucking his thumb in a doorway, watching everyone leave, then you'll never understand my erratic behaviour as a man on the job, or in bed, or with my sons or daughters. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child..." Taken from Loose That Man & Let Him Go, by T.D. Jakes.
I thank all those that take the time to read my thoughts and seek to truly know the heart, mind, and soul of a man that knows his fate, and who also accepts it and who's willing and ready ! !
I also give greetings to those that came upon my words by chance, but who thought enough to continue to read.
Welcome, its me, "SHANE," the creator of "Shane's World." The inner working of a mind that at one time was a demon spawn himself, but with the help of God, time, and prison, has become the man he thought he was, now ai am no more, or less, than who I am. Willie Marcel Shannon. Father, brother, son, uncle, and sometime friend.
Its been a few months
since I last updated my page, I was taking time to let the pain of the
holidays pass, and the weaken of my soul become strong again. But
I'm sad to say even as I gather my wits and strength I'll forever be weaker
than I once were.
Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies...
Why do we lie ? Do we not understand what trouble we cause??? Well I do, and did, because I've lived one big lie, but I've told myself this lie. Not anyone else, but me lying to myself. That I've never known friendship. What I mean is, I started this page in search of a true friend, and to get my words out. I had convinced myself that I had always been alone, no one to talk to. One big lie ! ! Like many people, I saw but was blind, heard but was deaf. I had a friend and he had been reaching out to me since the day I was born. But like many I avoided religion with all cause, because some of us has been taught that people who need a God are weak, needed someone, or something to guide them. In my ignorance, I didn't know I was already being guided, by the evil that ruled this world, and my life.
Now I know God has been with me, and my friend all my life, all those times I thought I was just lucky, or bullets passed over my head, or the blade missed vital organs, no luck, God was saving me, he has never lied to me, misled me, made promises that he didn't keep, that he had no intention of keeping. Never, and never will he, he never will change.
So what brought all this on ? I'll tell you. The holidays are time to be with family, love ones, people that make you smile, and feel safe. Time when things should open up. Well not for me. Sept 27 my grandmother passed, that started it all. Then people I've known for a few years made promisesand break them, simple promises that should have been kept.
Next, mail, which means a lot to us down here, it stopped being passed out at 5:00 pm, now its more like 9:00 pm. Now we sit and look at our door waiting, waiting. This these gaurds know, thats why they take their time. But whats hardest is waiting, and then they pass your cell. Just like they did me a few minutes ago.
So I ask myself, where are all the loyal penpals, and family members ?? Faith, trust and love keeps me going, nothing has changes, they'll write one day. Thats what I tell myself. Then I start to doubt, and blame myself - what did I say in my last letter??? Were my words misunderstood somehow ??? Sadness comes, then anger, I'm not worthy to be anyone's friend!!!
So now I reach out to the one person that has always provided, protected, loved me no matter what, my mother ! I write her telling her about all the lies, all the pain, asking her to visit me. But guess what that was in Oct, I've not heard nor seen her, or anyone in my family. Sometimes mom is in her black moods where she don't even open my letter. She feels my pain, without even opening my letters, it hurts, but I have to understand I'm not the only one doing this time, my family is also. But guess what Mama, I understand and I am a loyal son, my love is unconditional, I'll be here, take all the time you needI I love you !!
Now Thanksgiving has come and gone still no word from mama, or the loyal penpals. But still there are two bright spots in my life, well I should say 3 or 4, or even 5. As I think now blessings are showing themselves, but without darkness there is no light, or is it without light there will be no darkness ??? Matters not I still can see.
I think of my Lil Princess, as I wait to see her soon after so long, a blessing will be coming with her. Her mother whom I've not seen or heard from since 96. But do I risk losing my sanity, breaking the bubble of safety I've built ?? I do still love this woman, but after being without her this long, what do I say to her ?? I don't know, 2 hours of smiles, laughter, for years of lies, pain and loneliness. But yes, I'll step out of this cell, praying for not asking for promises, that I know will be broken. Please no lies !!
Next, I've gained two friends, directly from my webpage, no more. One is from Italy, others from this country. I knew when I first got the letter from (name deleted) that something special was about to happen, but fear of lies and broken promises of my past, I almost trashed it. But I opened it anyway, we became fast friends, with really a few things in common, but its not with those that we have in common likes and dislikes that we should seek to know. Its the interesting thoughts of the unknown that we should seek, and those that we can learn from. In from the ghetto, she from the suburbs of (place name deleted), Texas. But with all young people today, they can identify with ghetto life, from music, fashion, and school. That is what happened between us, she makes no promises, and tells no lies. I promise one thing, to only speak the truth, just as lies to me have affected my past, lies I've told has also ruined what could have been the best relationship I'd ever had, but now she's gone. I learned from that so I'll always tell the truth. As I said before, if I didn't lie to my judge and jury, which I knew held my life as I knew it in their hands, why should I lie at all ??? No matter what pain I should cause my friend, it might sound insensitive, but what truth don't ??
Like now, I am being tested, my friendship with (name deleted) is being strained as I write this now. We write each other at least once a week, me with more time I'll write her when I think of her deeply. So I'll write more like 3 times a week. I knew if I didn't get any mail all week, I'd at least get a letter from (name deleted!) Whom I call "Angel" only because she is God sent to bring me out of darkness I always seem to fall into. Plus, she has brought back a little faith in this country of mine. That only seems out for blood shed, no matter age, sex, but yes there is (name deleted), my "Angel."
Today is the 18th of December. I last recieved a letter from (name deleted) on the 4th. Now I fear first of all that she is hurt, sick, might be missing, and there is nothing I can do. But I have to stay calm and cool, but I care for her a lot, so I'll still worry ! ! Never have I went this long without hearing from her. Even when she won't have time for a letter, she sends a card. But there is no card or letter! Nothing ! ! Now what should I think ? ? Should I lie to myself and say I've not doubted that she might want to cease being my friend, no that wouldn't be the truth, I've promised to always tell the truth. So I wrote her on the 14th and by now she has the letter in her hand. She know how I feel and that I hurt. But I ask myself again, am I worthy to be called anyone's friend?? What did I say to upset her, or is she hurt or missing ? The only reason, I know she is not hurt, is because her best friend and her sister also writes someone on the row. They would know, and tell me. I guess she just don't have time right now, I know I am just a part of her life, not her whole life. But even with my doubts, I still call her my friend. She'll write again one day. And I'll be here waiting, but I ask myself again, am I worthy of her friendship?? Will things be the same ?? Thats not for me to answer, time will tell.
Even with all this, I still have one friend, God, he'll always be here with me, as long as I obey and stay true to him and his words. This I know will not be easy. I have to want to seek it, ask for it, and I shall get all that I need. Praise God !!
It took many years to get where I am at now, even with Xmas in a few days. I hope to get a visit, a letter from my family. I'll semd Xmas cards as always. With the thought of only getting one back, that from my mother.
But I'll say all is not dark or lost, I've gotten an Xmas card from a prison ministry, in Merryvale, LA. A first, so I know I am being thought of, plus from a town called Merryville ! Ha ha, this card in itself, God will not let me down or leave me alone. I am only a man, and I'll doubt, its part of me to always use my own judgement. But this is what Satan and his demon spawn, who I once were a brother to, want me to do. To doubt, but I'll overcome with the help of my God.
Now back to lies, plenty I've heard since I've been on the row, and even more I've told, but as of late I've come to understand that in order for someone to understand the truth, he/she must love the truth. He/she must in fact love and search for the truth with all his / her heart; otherwise his preconceived thoughts will mislead and give off strong delusions so that he/she will easily believe a lie.
I say this only because you have those that believe that the legal system of the past and present believe in seeking justice and truth. That is not so. The law in itself is good, correct and truthful. God made the law !! But man, he has the freedom to think and make a choice. Within the legal system, many only seem to gain power or to elevate their job status, with a conviction. Not the truth. So they'll lie, cheat, mislead, and out and out send innocent men and women to prison, and death row. Their only purpose is to gain political clout, and one more step up the ladder.
So people of this country don't always believe what you see in black and white. Just because it sounds right, or you have been told partial truth to make it sound good. Because there is a grey area, believe me. With my case it is not black or white. Seek the truth yourself, my case is public record. Information anyone can get. You can even get my prison records. TDCJ have it on webpage. It started it to counter all the prison webpages. But I don't fear anyone looking up my case. I've told the truth about myself and what I did. I didn't kill this man on purpose. I didn't plan to kill anyone. Yes, I rob him, this I did. He was kill after, when he punched me, grabbed the gun off the dash, I then grabbed the gun we fought over it and it went off. He had the gun, not me, but if the state wanted to know the truth they would have tested his hand for powder, but no, all they saw was him dead and me a young black man, ex con. Thats what they said. I've never been to prison before this, so how am I an ex con?? This was one of the half truths I told you about, I did go to State School at 16. But thats not prison, I was not even an adult.
But since my page is not that long, if you can still read my first page you can find information on my case, or write me personally and I'll tell you the facts on my case. Seek the truth, that way if you make a choice it'll be because you know its the right one. Not some half truth or made up lie.
Even with my words, don't just read them and say its so sad, or he's full of it. Look up my case which I've told you I am guilty somewhat, but of what, manslaughter, murder, agg robbery, or even self defence. Write to me, I can't tell you what you'll learn, or what would come of it, but I'll tell you this much, your life will change as well as mine.
A few doors have been opened to me last week, I've been given my property back, along with other priveleges I've been without since May. I have my radio, long underwear to combat the cold. I'm able to have simple things, like lotion, hair grease, powder, visits once a week and guess what else? Dessert. HA HA. Yeah they even take your pie off your tray. I am also allowed to have two hours of rec a day. Compared to one 1 hour 4 times a week. I'm also allowed to buy food again. Maybe I'll gain my weight back. In May I weighed about 210 pounds, now I am a compact 180 pounds. 30 pounds I lose, some would love to lose that much weight, but mine was forced, plus on my 6 ft 1 inch frame its too much. But thats prison life, well life in general, never get too comfortable, cause nothing is promised to us. The world will turn and twist as soon as you think things are stable.
Now to some important issues, Death Penalty. The state went on a killing spree. They have killed 35 this year. The record is 37, missed it by two. But if the governor had his way he wanted to kill 80, those were his words at the first of the year. So I guess we should be happy. Many celebrate the holidays, while many will be mourning the lost of the loved ones. So all is not well.
Just to speak on the last, well 2 of the last 10 to be slaughtered like sheep. One refused to come out of his cell to be taken to the death house. So they sprayed him with gas, and beat him bloody and hog tied him, then carried him to the death house, strapped him down and killed him.
The next man decided to kill himself, before he let the state take his life. So he take an overdose of pills. He almost die, but they find him in time, rush him to the hospital, pump his belly. Never regain conciousness. State ask the doctor if he could be taken and killed ? Doctor said no, wouldn't sign a release. Said inmate was not fit to be executed. Postpone the date. The law says that to be executed we have to know what is going to happen, know we are paying for our crime. But guess what ? The state disregarded the law and took him to be killed anyway.
So if the state is so much built on justice, what do they get out of killing this man when he doesn't even know they killed him ?? Well he knows he's dead, but not that he didn't die from the pills. But revenge comes in many forms. You can hide it behind the law and call it justice. Or you can do it and scream with joy, because vengeance was yours.
But God said himself, that vengeance is his and his alone. Didn't the law come from God?? Start with the 10 Commandments ? Don't they have a Bible in the courtroom ? Don't you have to swear to tell the truth so help you God ?? If the law is built, and based on God, where did we go wrong ?? I think if we put our personal agendas aside and seek to know the truth, not what we think the truth is will be in a better world. But like in court, the DA, don't have to seek out the truth, they just have to give you an example or recreation of what they think happened. No matter if the truth is far from what is being said. In my case the DA, said I raped a hotel maid, and killed my victim to get away from the crime scene. I was never charged with rape, plus my semen, blood, or pubic hair didn't match the ones they had. No way. I never raped anyone. Plus, if I was trying to get away from a rape, why didn't I just walk back down the street 2 minutes and back inside my sisters house where I had just come from?? But it made everything sound much better to say I was trying to get away from a rape. I have committed a lot of crimes in my life, but never a crime against a child or woman. Never, I love kids and women, I'd never hurt either.
Now we are upon a new age, 2000 is here, what will we do in the years to come ? Take back our government, make it work for us, the people who it was created for. Or will we continue to be hoodwinked, by the people we put in office?? They hold no more power than the people allow them to. They try to tell the people what they think we need, instead of us telling them what we know we need.
But sad times are upon us. If George Bush Jr. becomes the next leader of this world. Which I think he will. Get ready for a rocky ride, I mean for the working, poor, and even some middle class people. Black, white, it don't matter. The world will take 10 steps back instead of forward. The civil war that has been talked about for years will happen. I hope not, but it will.
Any man that have millions in his bank account, and family that have even more, that will turned down the working people a extra $1.50 add to the minimum wage. When this affects no one but those of the ruling class that pays these wages. Whom has millions, he'll not spend, or his children, children. These wages are coming from surplus, not out of their personal bank account.
But guess what, he knows a secret that the working people seem to not know. He'll give this $1.50 but not off the top. Because he needs human labour, the people hold the power, without labor nothing in this world works, no money more to put in his pockets. But thats just a word to the wise.
I'll end now with hope and prayer for all the world, I'll not live to see the changes to come, but my little princess will, plus all the rest of my blood. Live and enjoy while you can, have a happy new year.
---Willie Shannon
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