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My life seemed the same
as anyone else that I knew. I did have a step-mother but
still both parents were
in the home. My natural parents got divorced when I was
quite young, which caused
me to be closer to my dad than anybody else.
I had 3 older brothers,
though only 2 lived with dad & me. The other lived with our
mother, and would come
visit now and again. Because I was the Baby of the
Smallwoods (at that time)
I became close to my brother that was next older than
me (by 3 years). I was
like a shadow to him, and he was more interested in hanging
with my 2 other brothers
but they were closer in age and did their own thing.
Childhood seemed to be
of the norm, with being active in Cub/Boy Scouts, soccer,
church, and other adolescent
activities. Even today I can reflect on those Saturday
mornings, after watching
cartoons, my friends and I would ride our bikes by and
through the closed businesses
and parks just enjoying the stillness of the day.
My (step) Mother bore
3 children to my dad (1 boy and 2 girls). Since I was getting
older (arriving in my
teens), I became distant.
When I stumbled into that
stage of my life, I felt it was me against the world. I was
having problems, not
so much "fitting in," but more of trying to find my
meaning/purpose in life.
I didn’t really seek any advice from the elders of my
church, or my parents
- for they all seemed too out of touch with my generation.
As for my friends, I couldn’t
let them know that I was struggling, so I put on a
facade. I actually found
answers to my dilemmas from my older brothers. I figured
what worked for them
could aid me. There was some sound advise they gave, and
yet also darker information
- such as alcohol and drugs.
They had experience with
drugs and alcohol and my curiosity led me to investigate
what its effects were
like. I DON’T blame what later became an abuse
(drug-related) on my
older siblings. I learned about harder drugs from my friends
than from them.
Home life became a stern
foundation, and in following my brothers’ foot-steps, I
too bounced too and fro
between living with my (natural) Mom and Dad. Soon I
started getting in trouble
with the law, mostly petty stuff, but later in life that would
change.
Maturing without the right
fundamentals, life became a quest to survive instead of
an adventure to succeed.
My self-destruction was getting way worse, hurting those
around me that I loved,
turning me into what I detested. The chemical substance
only gave me momentary
relief, which later enhanced my despair.
My actions (caused by
aggression due to drug abuse) came back to haunt me, when
I got into a physical
confrontation that got one of my brothers shot. Seeing him in
the hospital, I had hit
rock bottom. He encouraged me to move out to California to
live with my dad in hopes
that I would leave the gangs and bad influence behind.
I did as he bade me, and
for a while I had thought my life changed. My last year of
high school I was involved
in wresting and winning tournaments, with high
expectations if I continued.
It came to naught because I surrounded myself with
those who were like my
old self, for they seemed to know the remedies to my
symptoms.
I came back to OKC (why
I’ll never really know) and met a young lady whom I
got serious about. She
suffered my manic moods, and there were numerous times I
thought she would leave
me and never come back. She bore me a BEAUTIFUL
daughter. Everyone thought
that it was to be a turning point in my life. I too
thought that, and my
intentions were pure.
"Old Habits Die Hard"
is a cliché that was so true in my life. Inside me there
seemed to be a war waging,
my spirit and soul wanting to be a good dad and
wonderful partner but
my flesh was too cunning. I wanted to do and give
EVERYTHING to my little
girl but I didn't have the help I needed to overcome my
problems (alcohol, drugs,
aggression, self-esteem, rebellion, etc.)
Finally her and her mother
left me, which caused me greater pain and I loathed
myself deeper in artificial
relief. I became callous and instead of straightening my
life up to win my family
back, I got involved with another woman.
She was as wild as I was,
it was the similarities that attracted us together. Our
abuse (chemical and physical)
became passé. We were 2 time-bombs waiting to
explode
When things got too extreme,
she too left me and my rage and anger reached its
climax. Without going
into details, her mother was killed and my life was forever
changed.
I was 22 years old when
I got arrested (in 1992), I had seen and done quite a bit in
that short span but my
life was just about to begin. My actions throughout the years
have caused much grief
and pain. I try and make amends (within my realm) and I
honestly hope that those
who were/are hurt by me will find it somewhere in their
hearts to forgive me.
Maybe this "life history" will give you an insight of who Dion
Athanasius Smallwood
is, and why he has done some of the things he did.
Also, I wrote this in
hopes that it might help those who are facing similar
circumstances and yet
think they’re alone. If these patterns are likened unto yours,
I pray and advise (with
great experience) that you should seek help from God or a
respected figure.
Views from someone’s perception
(other than your own) can point out that which
you may overlook. Keep
an open mind to change - we fear what we do not know
or have not conquered.
If any of you have any questions you may write me at:
Dion A. Smallwood
#215417
P.O. Box 97
McAlester, OK 74502
Remember these words before
you make any instant decisions that may effect the
rest of your life. Take
but a few moments before you act and weigh the
circumstances, consequences
and most importantly DO NOT make any decision
out of emotion.
Sincerely,
Dion A. Smallwood
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