7-25-90

I, Keith H. Long, declare that:

I have been asked by my attorney to write a biography in the form of a declaration.  This is probably one of the hardest tasks I have ever had to do because it is terrifically difficult if you are attempting to write a biography whose goal is to curry some sort of favor with the reader. To this end, I will attempt the declaration and probably will be a little more harsh on myself than I would be under ordinary circumstances.  But that is for the reader to judge and not for me.

To begin with, I was born September 12, 1929, in Los Angeles California.  My father was approximately 45 years of age at the time that I was born and my mother was approximately 40.  They had long given up on having a child and I came as a total shock.  I was an only child, and therefore, I assume, spoiled rotten in that I had a father, a mother, and a grandmother
who doted on me.

My earliest memories are of a happy childhood, feeling loved and secure. However, I must have always been anxious because I remember a certain amount of fear on my first day of school, and I believe from then on, fear and anxiety were constant companions of mine.

I really began to feel badly about myself during grammar school because I was thin and unable or unwilling to fight.  In my neighborhood, though not an extraordinarily rough one, a boy had to fight occasionally himself and his manhood.  I did this on occasion, but always with
disasterous results, because my heart was never in it.  I know that my  earliest feelings about my own inadequecies date from this period in time.

I did many things to try and compensate, including becoming skilled in basketball, even though I was short.

I beleive my real problem began on entry into junior high school, where gym was required.  While I did not mind athletics, I did not like  to dress out for gym because I was thin and it didn't seem to me as though I could measure up to the rest of the boys in school.  From then on, I began to devise schemes in order to get out of gym, I don't even recall those schemes at this period of time, but I know that I uesd them constantly, because I was ashamed to shower and expose what I felt was an inferior body to the rest of my classmates.

My father was not a financial success by any means, but he was what many people would class as a man's man.  He was an extraordinary horseman, a man who had fought in World War I, he was also a pilot, he knew automobiles, engines and airplanes and knew how things worked.  He was an ardent fly  fisherman and my earliest memories are tramping in the wilderness with him and my mother setting up camp in various spots that were virtually totally
inaccessible, except by packing in.  I worshipped the man and lived in constant fear that he would die.  At the age of 14 my worst nightmare came true. My father was taken ill suddenly in the evening with a cerebral hemorrhage, was taken to the hospital and approximately a week and a half later passed away of a second cerebral heamorrhage.

After his death, I turned into an extreme hypochondriac. I became convinced that I was dying on a daily basis and would often suffer panic attacks in which my pulse would race and I would be unable to cope with the fear that gripped me.  I found only one thing at this point in time that would alleviate this fear and that was driving.  I had learned to drive at a very early age and in fact used to drive in downtown Los Angeles traffic by the time I was thirteen.  I found that driving would alleviate the symptom somewhat because it forced me to concentrate on other tasks.

Ultimately I was taken out of school for one year and had home study.  After that period of time, I was sent to a military school in Carlsbad California where I remained for one summer and one semester.  Unfortunately, the military academy was located right upon the beach in Carlsbad.  The favourite pastime of all the students was, of course, swimming and beach
activities.  I had not learned to swim, because again I was totally ashamed of my body and I never once went to the beach while I was in military school.  While I developed a series of friends there and managed to survive, nonetheless I was probably and believed that I was known as some sort of  weird person because I would never go to the beach and I would find endless reasons why I did not have to go.

After that period of time, I was enrolled in the San Marino Prepatory School for Boys.  I had nothing to do with this, it was arranged by my grandmother and mother.  I turned out that this was prep school for Anapolis or West Point, for these people whom could not be appointed but
wished to get in on merit.  I had no desire to go to either military academy, but nonetheless it was considered a good school.

I incurred the enmity of some members of the class almost immediately upon entry to the school because the teacher in English Literature announced on virtually the first day that she thought they had a new star in the class, referring to me.  I have always been a prodigious reader.  My mother was a small town librarian and I read for the fun of it.  This was hardly the thing to say to a group of skeptics in a boys prepatory school but again, I managed to survive and came away with at least a couple or three friends out of the class, none of which I have kept in touch with.

After prep school, I went back to junior college which in essence finished high school for me, and I believe, the first year of college.

I should digress by stating that during the latter portion of this time I was actively involved in building and racing automobiles to compensate for my own lack of self worth and tried to gain favor among others.  At some . point in time, I went out on my own and took a flying lesson, I suppose to try to keep up with my dad and overcome the natural fears that I had of almost everything.

Thereafter, I was advised by my counselor in school that I did not have an academic mind and should quit and be a mechanic of some sort.  At this point, I wholeheartedly agreed with him and took a job with a flying service where I remained until I was drafted into the army.

My two years in the service were fairly uneventful.  I did make some good friends in the service, but the same old problem plagued me.  In basic training, we were required to pass a swimming test and I did not know how to swim.  On the day scheduled for the swimming test, I don't recall what I did but I did something to get out of it, because I was ashamed not only of my inability to swim, but that my body was inferior.  After basic training, I was sent to Aberdeen Proving Ground and attended school for approximately a year there in various aspects of operating in the field doing certain technical tasks.  At the conclusion of my training, I was sent to Alberquerque New Mexico, where I was in charge of servicing anti aircraft batteries and the computers on the anti aircraft batteries.  I knew nothing about computers but
had managed to pass all the tests and everybody assumed that I did.  During my career, I fixed one computer.

After the service, I enrolled in UCLA in the College of Engineering, with the intention of becoming an engineer.  I discovered that I could not draw a straight line with a Tsquare and had no spatial visualization whatsoever, I spent all of my time on a one unit engineering drawing course, even though I was carrying far heavier courses in math, physics and chemistry.  I ultimately realized that engineering was really not for me.

Thereafter, I took a series of tests both at UCLA and the Veter Center and was told that I could do whatever I wanted to do, but since my interests were varied, that I seemed to be adapted to that study of law.  As I had no other goals in mind, I changed my major and ultimately took a test for acceptance at Loyola University School of Law and entered that school, I believe, in 1954 or 1955.

About a year before I enrolled in law school, I met a girl and ultimately we became engaged to marry.  We did in fact marry during the first part of my second year in law school.

I graduated, I believe, in 1958, took the bar, I believe sometime around September or October of 1958, was notified of my acceptance in the latter part of 1958 and I believe I was sworn into practice either late 1958 or early 1959.

I ahd applied for a position with the Los Angeles County Counsel's Office, took a test and heard nothing more from them.  Also applied for a position with the San Diego District Attorneys Office and did not hear anything from them.  I really didn't regard myself as a lawyer and did not regard myself as  having any capabilities whatsoever, and was at a total loss.  I remember
trying to figure out where I wanted to live.  I went up north and talked to various people, but with no results.  Ultimately, in the early part of 1959, I opened up practice in Costa Mesa, California, sharing office space with another lawyer.  I had no clients, so spent all my time reading Witkin On Procedure and ultimately began to make a very modest living.

Around this time I was notified by the Los Angeles County Counsels office that I was third highest on the list of applicants for the job and my acceptance was mandated.  Apparentely, regardless of your test scores,  the County Counsel was picking judges sons and other favorite applicants which were below the top few on the list and someone had filed a lawsuit because
of it.  At this time I was in Costa Mesa and declined the job.  Also about this time I was notified that I would have been accepted at the San Diego District Attorneys office.  I didn't regret the San Diego District Attorneys Office since I was scared to death of trial and could not imagine myself in trial with twelve jurors and a crowd of people.  I had taken public speaking in school on two different occasions and each time it was my turn to speak, I dropped the class.  I lived in fear of public ridicule and simply would go to any lengths to avoid it.

Inevitably, I came before a court for my first appearance, and while I don't recall the details, I do recall my pounding heart, my dry mouth, my shaky knees and my sweaty palms.  To a degree, this feeling has never entirely passed away.
 

Also came the inevitable day that I went to a jury trial, because I was always forced to maintain a certain amount of bravado before the client to give them a feeling of confidence, also to give myself a feeling of confidence.   To my sheer amazement, I won it and also won the second, and, I believe, the third.  Well, now I became an expert.  Even though I knew in my craven heart that I was not, I would sit down and talk with the regular lawyers and be able to discourse with them on how brilliant I was and how stupid my opponent was.  This seemed the general theme for most of the lawyers that I hung out with.

I had discovered alcohol at roughly the age of 18 or 19.  I also discovered that I had a great tolerance for alcohol.  Where others would get drunk or pretend to get drunk, I could tolerate it but it did make me feel good about myself and relieved my anxieties and my fears.  I was, however, not a drinker on a regular basis until after law school and after I had opened up my practice.  I hung around with a group of lawyers who regularly had the cocktail hour.  I desperately wanted friends, I desperately wanted to feel good about myself and I desperately wanted to be like them, so I drank on a fairly regular basis in the evening, often at lunch.  In fact, lunches after awhile became an institution in our crowd and would last sometimes for several hours, if not into the evening.

I cannot recall ever being happy during this period of time other than while drinking or with friends.  I was continually late coming home from work.  I can hardly bear to look at that period in my life, because I treated my wife horribly.  I was not to be depended on or counted on, I was often irritable, critical, almost every bad thing you can say about a human being could be said of me.

After a certain period of time, I had an extramarital affair.   Everybody in this group was apparantely having them, and I was unhappy at home and justified this in many bizarre ways.  The guilt, however, was too much for me and I drank more and ultimately left the home and stayed in a motel, and, later, in an apartment.  This was an extremely unhappy time.  Ultimately, I couldn't handle it and came home and we tried to put the marriage back together.

I answered an ad in the newspaper for a position of Deputy District Attorney in Riverside County, I was accepted and moved to the home that I presently live in.

I was simply not rational nor ready to make the sacrifice that I felt were necessary to live a decent normal life.  Once again, I took up with the girl that I had left in Orange County.  This lasted for only a brief period of time , but my thirst for extramarital affairs was not quenched and I took up with another lady in Palm Springs.

Once again, the same old pattern appeared and, ultimately, I could not stand myself and moved out.  I remained in apartments or rented rooms for a period of about a year and a half, maybe two.  During this period of time, I broke up with the lady from Palm Springs and went into a rapid emotional decline.  I left the partnership that I was engaged in, did not practice for a year, and stayed to myself, virtually locked in my room.  I don't recall during this period that there was an extraordinary amount of drinking, but I know there was some.  I have never drunk by myself, and have never felt a physical craving for alcohol.  It has always been an emotional aid, so I don't believe that during this period of isolation, I was doing any heavy drinking, probably not much drinking at all.   The whole period is rather fuzzy to me.

Ultimately, I pulled myself together and reopened shop, tried to go home, but I was an emotional basket case at home and my wife finally had some common sense and left me, took the children, and returned to Orange County.  She did leave my son with me to finish high school, which he did.  After the breakup of the marriage, I refused once again to look at any reality, I never made any appearances at my court hearings, I let them do to me what they would, and again stuck my emotional head in the sand.  How I functioned at all is a mystery.  Somehow or another I managed.  There were a series of relationships and each time they would break up I would be in extreme emotional distress for approximately one year.  This occured on three seperate occasions and during those periods of time, I could barely function.  In trying to look back analytically, it seems to me that on every occasion that I have had trouble in the practice of law, it has been due to emotional distress, which on the surface was caused by a breakup of a relationshio with a woman.  The reality is, of course, that the problems are far deeper than that.  The alcohol was merely the medication I used to alleviate the anxieties and fears that I faced on a daily basis.  The root problem is always and has always been the fact that I felt inadequete and somehow another, different from other people around me.  Even though I would profess to feel capable of performing a specific task or representing a client, deep down there was always the feeling that I was not a real lawyer and that I was not adequete for the task.  That feeling persists to this day, perhaps to a lesser degree, but it is always with me.

Depression has been my constant companion.  Depression, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are generally with me.  I ultimately took a job as Municipal Court Commisioner when that position first opened.  I believed at that time that I wished to become a judge and that this would alleviate my feelings of anxiety.  It did not.  I remained on the bench for a little over one year and I believe I performed credibly.  There were times when I enjoyed it, but there were many times when I felt trapped by position.  Ultimately, my old partner offered me a new partnership and I accepted that and returned to practice.

But nothing had changed.  I could not look or face some responsibilities squarely.  If I felt that I had neglected a client,  I would avoid the client.

In August of 1989, I discovered that the woman I believed I loved beyond all other women told me that she did not care for me at all in that regard.  While this did not come on suddenly, nonetheless, I recall that when I finally realized that  this was, in fact, hopeless, I went, as usual, to my room where I stayed three or four days.  I was in the worst depression I have ever
been in and was actively contemplating suicide.  Instead, however, I reached for the phone book and I recall thumbing through the list of psychiatrists, hoping to go to one to get a quick fix.  I'll never know how Alcoholics Anonymous came into my mind, but all of a sudden, the though occurred to me, "Why not try Alcoholics Anonymous?"  I knew that most physicians regard alcohol as a depressant and I know that really what they mean is a depressant to the central nervous system, but to me alcohol was always a medicine which made me feel better about myself.

Nonetheless, it occurred to me that I should call Alcoholics Anonymous, so I did, they told me there was a meeting that afternoon near my house and I went.  That was August 19, 1989 and I have been attending on a regular basis since that date.  I have not had a drink since before that date.

Quitting drinking was the easist thing I have ever done in my life since I have no physical compulsion to drink, only an emotional compulsion and I am able to stifle that emotional compulsion on a daily basis.  It would be totally inaccurate to state that stopping drinking cured my problems.  Quite to the contrary, the problems seem magnified from time to time.  The cessation of drinking and the twelves steps of Alcoholics Anonymous merely gives one the opportunity to change one's life on a daily basis.  It is my belief that I could not change my life without Alcoholics Anonymous or some other group like it.

I believe that I am slowly improving.  I still have many, many bad days, but I am able to work myself out of them.  The depressions are also not as severe and do not last as long.

I am still having some difficulty in dealing with reality, but I am able to force myself to do that on a more regular basis.

As to my problems with the State Bar, I have ignored them for years.  Every letter that I received I refused to open because I could not bear to face it.  The problems that I have now could have been cured with ease a long time ago, and they have simply grown like a cancer untreated until they are virtually untenable.

With regard to Mr. Peckovich, I do not remember all of the details of Mr Peckovich, but I can tell you that I did work for Mr Peckovich, and ultimately refused to take his case.  I remember telling him that I did not know whether or not I would take his case, and I remember doing some investigation on another matter for Mr Peckovich.  I will gladly return the money that he gave to me, but I do not feel any moral or legal responsibility.

If you believe a word of this declaration, you must believe that I am my own harshest critic.  There is no one on the world that could judge me more harshly than I do myself.  If you know anything about alcoholics, you will recognise that the vast majority of them are willing to take the blame for almost anything, even though they are, on many occasions, blameless.  I do not feel any blame, I do not feel any guilt, I do not feel any  remorse about Mr Peckovich.  I recall that he was an extremely difficult man to deal with and beyond that, I recall very little, but I know in my heart I did not treat Mr Peckovich badly.

The other matter, however, is entirely different.  There is no doubt in my mind that I avoided them.  This was a bad time in my life when a relationship had broken up and I again was not functioning.  I just seemed incapable of looking at anything that would reflect badly upon myself, since I was already feeling so totally and completely inadequate.  I avoided them, did not return their phone calls, I have no memory of making any false statements to them, but I cannot deny that might not have occurred.

I really don't know what else to say.  Somehow or another I have managed to muddle through all these years, and surprising on the plus side, I have done a pretty fair job for a great many clients, often without pay.  I have no idea what will happen as a result of these matters.  The thing I fear most is to be held up to public ridicule and contempt.  I'm not saying I don't merit this but I do say that it will be, of course, a very difficult time.  For some strange reason, I seem to have acquired a fair reputation in the community for truth and honesty and among other lawyers for at least a reasonable amount of skill.

As I stated in the beginning, this is the most difficult thing I've ever written.  In the writing, it has forced me to come to grips with my past.  It is not easy to face ones shortcomings especially after a lifetime of avoidance but it is something I must continute to do on a daily basis and also learn to forgive myself on a daily basis so that I can, in fact, get on with my life.  Perhaps truly I can serve some useful purpose somewhere down the road, because without a feeling of usefulness, I am in fact dying.

If called as a witness I could competently testify of my own personal knowledge to all of the facts contained herein.

I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the State of California that the foregoing is true and correct and that this declaration was executed on July 25, 1990 at Palm Springs, California.

Keith H Long
 
 

Return to James P. Anderson's Homepage